I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize