i already hear my dad disowning me
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
