It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
