hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
