mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
