Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
