I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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