Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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