Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
