He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
