Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
