I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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