whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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