I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
