i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
