Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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