we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
