Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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