Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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