i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
