All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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