i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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