We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize