first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
