I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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