I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
