I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize