Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
