Umm I'm too high to move.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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