I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
my liver is dry heaving
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
