Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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