u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
