thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
