I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
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