when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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