he thought i was a dude.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
