i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
40s are totally the cure
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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