It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
