after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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