She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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