Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
