My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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