the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
