I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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