I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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