Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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