i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
