We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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