Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
