i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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