wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
