last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
