not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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