I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
