The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You were trust falling into bushes
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
