Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
