cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
