Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
In America we eat man semen.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
