She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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