glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
