I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
